I love to love. To feel love. It’s a warm, happy, feeling that fills me from the tips of my toes to the very ends of my hair. Often it overwhelms me in intensity, or moves me to tears of wonder. Sometimes it feels far away, unreachable, and then even in the happy I feel sad. But still, I love to love.
I was not an emotional type as a child and young adult. Didn’t cry much, not even when a pet died. Felt awkward in situations heavy with feeling, blinked back the tears that threatened to spill when the movie was so sad. Hugged and kissed family and friends, but in a happy-go-lucky way, keeping it one layer light.
But as I’ve married, given birth – pregnancy, labor and delivery have no regard for emotional discomfort! – aged, experienced, argued, reconciled, lived… that intricately latticed fence that kept my messy tears and intense loving feelings “up there” has been weathered down, its two by fours weakened by the hot sun and pouring rain. The lattice is cracked, blistered, decomposed.
And now here I am – exposed to love.
I love to love. And to show my love. For my family, near and far. For my friends, also all over the earth. For my graying, aging, blind little doggie. For my kids’ teachers, and my rabbi, and my hairdresser. By saying, doing, writing, or just feeling.
This month, writing daily from A to Z, has been one of the most fulfilling, soul-destroying experiences of my life. I have amazed myself with my discipline, my creativity, my perseverance. And have disappointed myself with my creative lack, my inability to carve out time to write, my willingness to give up. There have been days when the words have bubbled happily forth in no time at all, but more when I’ve searched for every drop in any corner of my heart, mind and soul. It has been a month of memories, dark and delightful, of intense emotion almost from the start. I have cried, raged, felt joy, defeat and accomplishment – often all those, every day.
And today is April 30. Z-day. And what I feel, at the end of it all, is simply: Love.
This is my final post in the April A to Z Challenge. Thank you for joining me on this crazy, colorful ride through the alphabet. To read all my A to Z posts click here.