The silence wakes me.
Not a whisper. Not a murmur. No ever-growing feet pounding down the stairs. No 7am yells of “jerk, that’s mine.” No muffled electronic music from the Nintendo DS. What is it they play? Smash-something?
Just quiet.
The TV sits black and silent. The remote untouched since yesterday. Neat and aligned on the kitchen counter, right where I placed it before I went to bed last night. It’s not often I get to see it, let alone set it somewhere. It’s the hottest item in the house, the “merote.” Whoever holds it possesses those invincible powers of channel control. Powers not to be taken lightly. The fun teen mishaps on the Disney channel can ruin ones day if it’s the darkness of “Gotham” they desire.
So they hang on to that remote because really their happiness depends on it. Or they hide it amongst the stale chip crumbs and candy wrappers under the bouncy cushions of the sofa. And then pretend they don’t know where it is. So we’re stuck with Cartoon Network. Ninjago forever. There’s yelling. And wrestling. And my bedroom is directly above the playroom, so it’s not only Sensei Wu’s creepy Lego voice coloring my serene Saturday morning dreams, it’s also relentless cries of “Give it” punctured with an occasional “Ow” (is there anything more ear-shattering than the low foghorn of a newly-deepened teenage boy voice?). All before 7.09am. Most Saturdays.
But this morning all was still. The remote benignly in plain sight, powerless as it should be.
And I am up before 7.09am.
Even though there’s no yelling. No fighting. No noise. No extra-loud “Good morning, Mom” to retrieve the iPad in stealth. And definitely no wet kiss on my sleepy cheek.
We are half this week. One dad, two bigs away doing adventurous boy things: planes, trains, rugby and rain. One mom, two littles at home doing not that much: cousins, beach, classic movies like “Annie” and “Mrs. Doubtfire.”
The quiet is welcome. The kitchen stays clean. The laundry basket is barely full and there is no room for yesterday’s leftover pizza in the suddenly too full fridge. We never have leftovers. Nobody nags for a friend to come over or to go to Target or leaves wet towels on the carpet. Instead of no I say yes: to ice cream, to staying up late, to overpriced magnets at Fisherman’s Wharf. “You’re the best mommy ever,” they chirp with their arms around each other.
But we are half. And what I am is some kind of half-mommy. While less of them should mean more of me, we are incomplete. And so am I.
It is calm and neat and the washing machine is at rest. But the quiet is strange. Uncomfortable. This is not who we are, half of ourselves. Half the conversations, half the laughter, 50 per cent less awkward hugs and sloppy kisses, way less muddy clothes sweaty from intense hide-and-seek in the backyard. Too many leftovers.
I talk and write about my family chaos a lot. How I long for it to be a little quieter. Not so hectic. How I wish there were less groceries, less shoes, less dentist appointments and haircuts. More room, more time for thoughts and words and yes instead of no.
But that would make us not us.
The weak early morning sunrays reflect off the dull silver of the remote. It waits, untouched. When I open the fridge the pizza box slides out from its precarious spot, squeezed above the unopened gallons of milk. It lands on the floor with a loud thwack that echoes around the empty kitchen.
Only one more night of leftovers.
Red Boots 
Beautifully written. With both of my kids away at college I can’t help but think that the knowledge of how long they’ll be gone plays into how I feel. I can’t allow myself to feel the strangeness of walking by their empty rooms when I know it’s 3 months until they’re home. However when they are home and go away for a long weekend I let the strangeness in. Interesting. Does that meek sense?
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Absolutely Kelly! It’s like when they’re at college that’s how it “should” be, even though it’s quiet and empty at home. And when they’re home THAT’s how it should be, so when they’re home and then go away during that time it’s all off.
We are often split up in some way – my husband travels most of each month, or I will take one on a special trip – but this was the first time we were divided in this way. And it felt like our very essence was missing. I did appreciate the quiet, and I’m glad for this realization :). Thank you dear friend for reading.
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Lovely Nick…. I won’t say “I told you so” :). Knowing you and my grandchildren so well, I also know that tomorrow you’ll be saying something completely different. *GRIN* Ok.. maybe it’ll only be on Tuesday! :P~. Love you & them to the moon and back xxx
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Well now I’m going to try hold it in till at least Wednesday :).
Thanks Ma, love you xoxo
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What a beautiful piece of writing, Nicki. As the reader, I was totally engrossed. You were able to pull me in for a moment to see and feel your world. I love how the power of the remote is woven through the story with the contrast berween clammoring for the “invisible powers of channel control” and the “weak early morning sun rays” reflecting off the abandoned remote. And although you are anything but a “half-Mommy,” ever, what a deep understanding you uncovered and astutely described!
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Thank you for your beautiful, encouraging, supportive words and understanding Nancy! Thank you for reading, for empathizing, for sharing, and for being there. Very grateful xx
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Beautifully written!! I agree!! I love this! I have four children and too enjoy the rare moments of peace, wherever I can find them!! I really enjoyed your post!!!
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Thank you! I loved the quiet, but am loving the comforting hum of the washing machine that’s been going all morning even more :). So glad you stopped by.
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Nicki!!! You are SUCH an incredible writer. How lucky I am to have found you in this huge crazy loud and sometimes too quiet world. I hope you can now reflect back at the quiet and cherish it but also cherish the missing remote, loud noises, and everything else now that they’re home (they’re home right?). xo
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Oh Kristi, thank you!!! Wow… you words have touched deep.
They’re home, yes, and it’s too loud and too messy and oh how I love leftovers but there are none. As it should be. 🙂
xxx
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I get this, Nicki. Our home is for the four of us, and when we are not all here it feels strange. It doesn’t bother me when I’m away, but when I’m home and they aren’t…
I love the way you wrote this. There are story writers and story tellers, and you are a storyteller. That’s a compliment, in case that wasn’t clear;)
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Thank you, Dana, for the compliment! And yes, exactly, I don’t feel it either if I’m away, or if my husband is away and I’m home with the four of them, but it was the way we were split up and for so many days that really did not feel like home.
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